C5 Lilo Binbag Potty Nutcracker Whinge Motormouth Hashgate Bill 2Bob Puddleduck Heidi Dribbler BoPeep Iceman Bomber Tom Honeymonster Foghorn Baldrick(in new shoes) Hamlet Jason DK Lemming Mother Theresa Spex TT1 TT3 Chopstix Pony Express(from Oxford) Miranda Tin Opener Sticky Dicky The Tremblers Mr. Mainwaring Squelchy Mafia Cheating Mark Ms. Whiplash Salome Eth

In the middle of the architecturally challenged Bracknell the tiny car park began to fill with strange and wondrous sights. Amid the hard contours of concrete and brick gentlemen(!) in soft, fabric confections wafted and flounced. Here, a Hamlet in tights and a short cerise number with a black, straw hat trolled languidly. There, a Whinge in a rather more severe outfit teetered gaily. Bill, having mugged a charity shopworker wore a (unfortunately) body hugging dress and unruly afro-style wig. Jason appeared, looking stunning, with red sleeveless shift, piercing eyes, dark beard and long, flowing titian wig. C5 had thoughtfully borrowed (and badly stuffed) a bra to wear under his long, red dress. Lilo appeared to be wearing a plum coloured inner tube around his thighs. TT1 appeared in an off the shoulder number, having just jetted in from Canada that morning. BoPeep strode about in a long red job, much more man than woman. Butterfly brought to mind H.M. Queen, complete with handbag and headscarf. Baldrick seemed to be waring a crimson St. Trinian’s outfit and had suddenly grown much more hair. Ladybird, as ever, frightened the crap out of everybody - talk about Bette Davis on a bad day! Motormouth had on a Twenties flapper-style number with (almost) matching lipstick (I blame the parents, myself) and I enjoyed the comfort of a Chinese-style mini matched with an 80’s suit jacket. This seemed to work quite well as I had my bum felt twice (by real girls) after the run! Perhaps I’ll wear it more often. Anyway, as we all paraded to the front of the pub the song ‘Lola’ by The Kinks came to mind - can’t think why.

I really must mention the real ladies of the Hash - Squelchy in particular, who was dressed in an eye-catching (and delightfully short) Minnie Mouse dress; Binbag, who was wearing a red one (bin bag, that is!); Mother Theresa in a red number with a tie which perpetually played the theme from ‘Love Story’; Chopstix smartly dressed in a man’s houndstooth suit and matching tie - it fitted surprisingly well! Apologies to anyone not mentioned, there are just too many to list.

Anyway, the Bracknell newspaper lady took our photo and we were off - straight into the car park and the shopping centre. The sight on the security mens’ faces was a picture. The poor blokes had no idea what to do with thirty or so crimson transvestite Hashers who minced down the escalator, much to the delight of the Sunday morning shoppers! I followed the billowing dress of the pertly busted Iceman on to the correct trail, acutely aware of the old maxim about safety in numbers! Should the two of us have rounded a corner straight into a band of randy Hell’s Angels, heaven knows what would have become of us. Banished to the workhouse I shouldn’t wonder. Luckily the pack caught up and everything slowed to a bit of a stroll. Various ‘ladies’ did check it out and I caught that trollope Foghorn calling ‘On on’ in the middle of a wooded hillock where he had carefully rubbed out an ‘F’! We eventually found the trail and sped on through various built up areas until we split for a longer and shorter mince. Just as we started Spex was well and truly ‘floured’ - I think white hair becomes her. It wasn’t long after this that Honeymonster was spotted not only checking the trail but leading the pack and it took a fair bit of effort to catch up with the bugger once he had the bit between his teeth. Nostrils flared, eyeballs on stalks, foam cascading from his gasping mouth, the magnificent beast thundered through the forest. The very earth vibrated to his pounding steps. I’m thinking of entering him in the Derby next year.

Squelchy then kindly offered me an unsolicited view of her drawers. Sadly, she was wearing running shorts under her Minnie dress so the pvc did not come to light. However, I’m sure she could be heard squeaking as she ran, later on.

Mr. Mainwaring officiated as RA since C5 was Haring today :-