Mafia Honeymonster Cap’n Haystax Hashgate Motormouth Chopstix Cloggs DK Mother Theresa Lemming Whinge StickyDicky gulab Ja Moon Dumper Tin Opener Miranda Hans(the dog) Mr. Mainwaring Squelchy Cof The Tremblers C5 Zebedee Florence Greenfly BGB Wally Andy Nicky Salome Eth Ms. Whiplash Cheating BoPeep

A select band of the physically incapacitated gathered in the massive, well-marked car park next to the pub. No doubt everyone had already given their old mum a card and present, or were going to later. Many of the group hobbled in on crutches or dragged a lame leg behind them with a pitiable expression. BoPeep sported a bad knee and spectacular cranial scabs as a result of running into a tree! Or it may be just another botched self-lobotomy. BGB had strained a calf muscle. C5 nursed a general muscular ache that has medical science baffled – expect to see him featured in The Lancet à la Robert Merrick shortly. Ms. Whiplash still carried the wristy bruises from last week’s ferret collision. Lemming had a shoulder injury (as well as the psychological ones). Honeymonster had a bit of a limp (limp what I’m not sure). Wally still had the residual effects of his back problem. Mr. Mainwaring had a stiff leg – bit pathetic this one, but I thought I’d mention it.

There was a brief introduction by Mafia, who informed us that she would not be joining us on the trail. I liked that. It displayed an honest, childlike disinterest in the whole proceedings. Would that the rest of us were so genuine… And so we shambled out of the car park, displaying all the speed and interest of a three-legged tortoise on Prozac. "On left." Indicated the helpful Honeymonster, vainly attempting to chivvy the pack into some sort of ambulation. Greenfly, Cloggs, DK and Sticky broke into a loping trot while the rest adjusted their crutches and shuffled off after them. Apart from Cheating, that is. We love him dearly but you’ve got to wonder why the bloke comes Hashing. His sole ambition is to ignore the trail and lead the unwary into untrod (by Hares) paths. So after the initial first loop we come across the aforementioned Cheatinglingus trotting down the path ahead of us. Ah well, I suppose he’s happy. Shortly after, Wally dried a children’s slide with his shorts while his children (Andy and Nicky) watched in embarrassment. This was just before we reached the one-way, two-way check. A sneaky arrow pointed right just after a small bridge so most people naturally followed it. This turned out to be a false, so we assumed the other side of the arrow had been rubbed out and shot off in the opposite direction. Wrong again. It was a cunning device by Honeymonster to reverse the pack, and I must say it worked superbly. So Motormouth and I were right at the back and just before yet another road he mouthed the word "piggyback" to me. What a fine fellow, I thought, giving his old Dad a bit of a ride. Youth helping age etc. I was just about to climb aboard when he gave me a withering look, turned me round and hopped into the saddle with the casual ease of Frankie Dettori. A quick slash with the whip and we were speeding down the straight like Red Rum on an Aintree outing. Round the corner, into the cut and there we bumped into that old hack, Wally. He soon sported a rider of his own, young Nicky, and the two of them attempted to unseat Motormouth with some underhand elbow work. To no avail. The plucky lad clung on like grim death and Wally’s (lack of) stamina soon told in the ensuing race. We left him collapsed and gasping, waiting for the screens and the mercy of the vet’s humane killer….

Shortly after Wally kindly took the kids back by a short cut and the rest of us took the long trail. This was a series of undulating, twisting turns through glorious woods and spectacular countryside with plenty of shiggy and water…………er, no it wasn’t. But it sounded good, didn’t it. This area does not lend itself to ideal Hash conditions but I must say the Hares did the best they could in an area of tarmac and built-on land. We reached the first regroup and dallied idly while everyone else caught up – including Lonely (living up to his name). Lemming showed a serious penchant for dog abuse which was repaid with a minor dunking in the only puddle for miles by DK. Honeymonster arrived and informed us that we had just passed a field where the first trials on the Sopwith Camel aeroplane had been carried out. Well it was interesting at the time…

We were prodded awake and pointed to the cinder track where Cof, Greenfly and Zebedee led the field. I thought I would stop at the next check, largely because I couldn’t be bothered to check it out. Lethargy and ennui was beginning to take over until I heard Trembler and DK shouting the On; so I delighted in waving at the receding forms of Cof and Zebedee half a mile away up the false and sped off up the tarmac hill to the second regroup. Only Greenfly was there when I arrived and we agreed not to dither, in order to get things over with. Luckily, I picked the right trail and things got more interesting, with a fine view of St. Michael the Archangel in Warfield. I stopped at the churchyard, in order to allow Greenfly and Zebedee to catch up, and admired the grandiose architecture. Then we were off down a snicket, caught out on a bar-3, over some actual grass and back to the pub.

RA C5 presented the following :-

Things livened up as pints flew and Lemming was placed carefully in the rain barrel.

Gulab Ja Moon is a very sweet, sticky Indian pudding.