Spex Bill Stuart GBH Salome LaybyLil Ms. Whiplash Eth Baldrick Clare TinOpener Chopstix Potty Whinge Spot Phil(aka I’m easy) Ron Jackie Karen Florence TT2 Iceman Mark Cheryl Marion 2Bob Puddleduck Honeyant Lynda Mafia Honeymonster Circle Ian Hashgate Motormouth Trembler Mr. Blobby Cof Spunky Centaur Sir Galahad Mr. Mainwaring Squelchy Septic Dumper Lonely and Beaver BoPeep Cheating WetNurse STTI (I never did find out what this stood for!) Greenfly Cap’n Tweenie Haystax Old Fart BGBFlash Cap’n Y-Fronts Paella Wally. Zebedee turned up late – with a limp!

Spex and Bill’s first foray into trail laying and let me say at the outset – let’s hope it’s not their last! We were in for a treat…and some M&M’s, but more of that later. For once Motormouth and I turned up early, probably because we had given a lift to Virgin Ian, one of the few Hashers who lays claim to a six-pack as opposed to a Party 7. After a chat to Bill, GBH and newcomer Stuart I wandered back to the car and was approached by what appeared to be a Hasher, carrying a long pole. "What time does it start?" he asked rather forcefully. "Half seven." I replied matily. At which he gnashed his teeth, turned on his heel, hurled his pole in his car and drove off at high speed. Was it something I said? I would expect this sort of behaviour from a retard like Lemming but this chap had seemed relatively normal. Mind you, LaybyLil brightened our evening by swishing into the car park in a classy Rover and attempting to smash the fence down. Who said women have bad spatial awareness?

Well, the car park filled almost to overflowing with Hashers known and unknown. Wetnurse and SSTI had arrived from various parts of the world, thanks to our website (well done Webmaster Iceman). Phil, Ron, Jackie and Karen took their second plunge into the sea of Hashing. Fit blokes Ian and Stuart(I did a half-marathon yesterday) also joined us. Great to see lots of new faces – but a bugger when you have to remember all the names!

We went out through the play garden, a stream of agility, muscle and determination…..and flab, fagsmoke and the odd hernia. Greenfly was caught out early on the first check (har,har) and the rest of us cavorted madly in the first field, desperately looking for flour and pretending we knew what we were doing. Ian was sticking fairly closely to me since he a) was a virgin b) didn’t know what to do c) was confused by the shouting. This was a major mistake on his part since we blundered down into the wood on the right which was a) full of lovely bluebells b) the wrong direction c) covered in psycopathic stinging nettles! The murderous gits stroked our knees with virulent, poison loaded leaves, leaving florid pox blisters. Still, nice one Hares – this is what it’s all about. Curiously enough, Ian left me for a bit after that and I found myself following the lugubriously swinging buttocks of BGB. Not a pleasant sight for a chap with my fiercely heterosexual leaning so I was pleased when the opportunity came up to step aside and chat with Rod Stewart. Yep. For ‘twas he. No bull. Straight up. Leaning on his bike and regarding us with a burnished Antipodean visage. Er, well, not THE Rod Stewart exactly. This was more your Aussie version who informed me he has run with the Sydney Hash and the Washington D.C. Hash. Nice to met you Rod – we wish you well.

From here things began to get rather shiggy-strewn. Muddy tracks appeared. We struggled through maze-like woods with streams running through them. But always with a smiling Bill and his bag of flour to greet us. How did he do that? Lynda, Clare and Chopstix were noted skipping gazelle-like through a false. And shortly afterwards we sped up a path to the inevitable bar check, whereupon most of us tracked back and enjoyed the tiniest of loops. However, Trembler, Lynda, Clare, Cheryl, Mark, Honeyant and Puddleduck all blasted across the bar unaware that I was waiting for them. You naughty people!

And on to the regroup. Despite Bill filling my ear with a fistful of flour I must congratulate him and Spex for excellent hospitality held in the grounds of their magnificent estate. A table groaned with the weight of exotic delights. Pineapple slices, grapes, melon, oranges, Twix bars, various bottles of water, orange juice and glass bowls full of what 2Bob thought/hoped were E’s but turned out to be M&M’s. The sweeping lawns had been freshly cut by legions of undergardeners, battalions of flunkeys had obviously prepared the repast, every window in both wings had been polished to a sparkle by a flurry of maids. And Bill had obviously given them all the night off, like the fine squire he is.

With good presence of mind Bill let the (shall we say) less speedy Hashers leave first and they duly hobbled, hopped and minced out of the Master’s gate, tugging their forelocks and gasping in wonder. Shortly after, the rest of us followed and a damn fine sprint it was to get to the head of the pack. If only I’d known where to go once I got there! But there was more enjoyable forest trail, in parallel with the road and for once Cheating seemed to be keeping with us. Then it was on to the long trail while others took the shorter version. It was just unfortunate that the first track was full of huge puddles and I was unable to stop when overtaking Clare, who was edging daintily around one….

RA Greenfly presented the following :-

Dublin 666 run – 26^th-28^th May. See their website for details.
Bike for sale – a (something or other) 800 with full suspension. Never been used. £400. See Mafia.