Dumper Nutcracker Potty Hashgate Motormouth 2Bob Puddleduck Baldrick Rosemary Anne and Kundun the dog Hamlet Fukawe C5 Sue5 DK Paella Buffalo Ms. Whiplash Eth Salome Lemming Mother Theresa Chopstix Spex Tweenie Harimau(he said it means ‘Tiger!’. I reckon it probably means ‘Hamster!’) Dribbler and Paddy the dog Lonely LeVoisin Septic BoPeep NoNooky GBH CircuitBreaker Ladyshave RedCock Zebedee Florence Tastewort Cloggs Chuck

Now I’m like your average bloke. Show me legs in a pair of stockings with a hint of suspender and phwoar! I’m a very happy fellow. Unfortunately, one of the first (of many) horrendous sights I espied on Sunday was Lemming – wearing a short dress along with black stockings and suspenders. The sight was so gut-wrenchingly appalling I nearly ralphed on Paddy the dog and it’s seriously affected my penchant for ladies in hosiery. Almost as bad as this was the sight of Lonely (sans Beaver; no doubt the poor dog was too embarrassed to accompany him) in a wig that had obviously been taken off a body found in the river some time ago and a floral mini-dress beneath which sat some sort of thermal ladies vest stuffed with a couple of tennis balls. C5 floated about like a duchess, in severe hat and chenille boa. LeVoisin affected (and I use the term meaningfully) a very red, very smart, long coat dress set off superbly by a matching scarlet hat. He looked like a transvestite cardinal. 2Bob and Puddleduck had been assisted in their preparations by 2Bob’s little girl and her rouge application technique obviously consisted of filling two pompoms and whacking them on her dad’s cheeks. It made his face look like a smacked arse. Motormouth (with great strength of character for a nine year old) happily wore his sister’s old party dress; frilling at the neck and sleeves and a dainty petticoat beneath (bet he wouldn’t have worn it round Reading). Hamlet appeared like some awful transexual tart, in a wig to match Lonely’s and mouth smeared in dayglo lipstick. For myself, an 80’s jacket, lightly rouched at the back, and a rather fetching mini skirt completed my ensemble and it seemed to meet the approval of certain lady members of the Hash…

I must mention Rosemary, Anne and dog Kundun (where on earth did he get that name?). Both ladies had gone out of their way to dress up, using much netting, Christmas decorations and fishnet tights. But pride of place went to Kundun, proudly wearing a superb red hooped T-shirt on his golden labrador body with lovely frilly netting at the back. Paella swanned about looking like a slim Debbie Harry. Fukawe looked very fanciable (pardon me, Hamlet) in short red skirt and red fishnets and visitor Lofty (lady scribe with Guildford Hash) did a very passable naughty schoolgirl in gingham dress and red stockings (much nicer to look at than Lemming). Then Dumper appeared in a full velvet ballgown and it was definitely time for the On Out.

The rarely seen these days Tweenie informed me there was "apparently" a false where he should have been checking and we all trolled back over the railway, through the ten pin bowling car park and on to the regroup, outside Burger King where we all adjusted our frills and furbelows (is it rude to say that?) and frightened passing motorists. Buffalo, DK, Paella and Spex saddened us all by taking the opportunity to stretch what is left of their withered frames against a barrier. It was a bit like watching wet pyjamas on a washing line flapping in the breeze.