2Bob Itsyor Hashgate Iceman Natasha Tom Danish Wally Harimau JP Foghorn DafdoDildo Spot Kay and Gnarler the dog Lonely and Beaver the dog Cerberus LeVoisin Honeymonster Puddleduck Motormouth Greenfly Bev Tim and Early the dog Dribbler Butterfly and Paddy the dog PartyAnimal Pete Legless Motox Bomber Tom Mr and Mrs Blobby Utopia Gutbucket BakewellTart Einstein Khazi Chuck Speedbumps Tweenie OldFart Uptake Kev Shirtlifter Carl Cloggs EasyRider Insider and Kundun the dog Florence Zebedee BGB WetDream

Or The Magical Mystery Tour. At the Gather Round Hare 2Bob had intoned meaningfully "Not everything is as it seems…" Too bloody right! We thought we were in for an evening of gentle Hashing round sunlit sylvan countryside on a trail laid by a couple of jolly nice chaps. Instead we yomped for hours on a woody, hill-strewn nightmare of a trail laid by the most fiendish, sadistic, twisted, alcohol-crazed, demonic ba****ds I have ever been on. Oh, apart from the one Greenfly and I laid some time ago. It was certainly long and hard, as the thespian said to the ecclesiast, and we all felt totally sh***ed at the end of it. It even managed to lose the Blobbys and Utopia, Danish and offspring, and Honeymonster. One saving feature though; Wally decided it was too long and went home.

The evening was hotter than a Bushman’s bum as we On Outed in ‘the usual direction’. Wrong. The Hares had directed us away from the forest to start with and we spent a pleasant enough time wandering through the housing estate desperately seeking flour. This certainly fulfilled the Hash requirement of keeping the pack together since no-one could find out which way to go. OldFart flitted hither; DafdoDildo (our Scarborough Hash friend) dallied thither; Zebedee ponced about here; I lost the plot there. Still, it enabled the Hares to point those Hashers more interested in style than speed to short cuts and get ahead while people like Kay became so confused in the fervid hunt for farine that she identified a large portion of calcified pigeon poop as a blob. Much merriment ensued, followed by even more shortly after when Motox spied a false and started back just as Itsyor appeared and informed him "It should have been round the corner". We hurried on with knowing smiles – I believe Itsyor had the sensitivity to blush.

So, of course, we entered the forest and crashed around in a boggy bit. Shouts of "On On" and "On Back" caused much milling in the area which was rather unfortunate for Iceman as he was quietly searching for somewhere to, er, ‘shake the dew off a lily’. Beaver (surprise, surprise) found a hollow full of foul water and dead bodies and leapt into it with glee. Kay’s dog Gnarler thought this a great idea and hurled himself in too, spoiling somewhat the soft, gleaming showdog appearance he started out with. We crashed on, only too unaware of what was to follow…

New boy Pete proved his suitability as a Hasher by stumbling over absolutely nothing on the wide trail through the forest and attempting the splits while falling over. A polite round of applause followed. Gutbucket informed Foghorn and myself that he had not understood the bar-2 so we explained carefully (so that his brain cell was not too troubled) that this meant return to the fourth previous blob, and a bar with no number meant ‘run straight across’. I think he understood. Legless, in a shameless attempt to win my sympathy and get me to become a governor of her school fell in a maidenly heap at my feet. I was not having any of it, though, and leapt her prostrate body with all the grace of a Thompson’s gazelle. Motormouth and Puddleduck appeared and we crunched on across the tinder-dry pine cones and snapping dead branches. Soon after this we reached the first regroup which OldFart described as a fairy glen – he should know, I suppose. This was after toiling up a large 1:2 hill made up of shale, sand and rubble. In fact, Zebedee, DafdoDildo and I enjoyed it so much we did it again when trying to find the trail after the regroup dispersed.

Now there was actually a bit of a short cut from the regroup but all us macho types: Bev, Cloggs, Cerberus etc felt we couldn’t back out of the long. And onward we sped. And on. And on. Hills and dales swept past. Long, stony trails were left far behind. Those of you who have run the Forest Five race know the feeling: calves like knotted ropes, thighs hot enough to fry eggs on, lungs gradually dessicating into tiny leather bellows, forehead looking like a motorway map of Britain.

Cloggs, Cerberus, Dafdodildo and I rested a tad by cruising down this damn great hill. This was a bad move. The bar at the bottom elicited some none too gentle language as we toiled back up again. The Hares had innovated at the previous blob by putting a false trail both left and right. Yes, I know there no rules on the Hash and perhaps we should not have discussed the likelihood of female canine ancestors in the Hares’ lineage, but we were getting tired. So tired in fact, that when we found the trail I overheard Pete and Bev doing Scooby Doo impressions. I hurried on fearing wood madness was setting in. Yet another damn great hill with a bar turned up and Dafdodildo decided to shortcut through the impenetrable bracken. Note the word ‘impenetrable’. It was very nearly the end for poor Dafdodildo as the clutching stuff threatened to constrict the life out of him and leave naught but a dry Hash husk. Fortunately, he popped out on to the trail just in front of me, looking very florid. By this time Itsyor had appeared and was guiding us to ensure we returned before next Wednesday. We looped up and round and down, confused slightly by Itsyor calling On from behind. Things speeded up, interrupted only slightly when Zebedee called On Back on the correct trail. We forgave him and bashed on, meeting with Bomber and Iceman while hurtling down a wide roady bit. Sadly, the flour seemed to end so we hung a right, guessing that we couldn’t be far from the car park. Luckily, we weren’t. So we did our own On Inn back to Coral Reef and a well deserved drink!

Spot officiated as RA tonight. It appears that the venue was far to near to C5 for him to attend :-