Squirrel Jenks Kitten Motormouth Hashgate 2Bob Chopstix Foghorn Potty Nutcracker Caboose C5 Charlie Sue5 The Tremblers Brian Incider and Kundun the dog Pissquick Glittertits Canopener Miranda and Emma the dog Lonely and Beaver the dog Baldrick Uptake Motox 2Bob Claire Gavin Mr and Mrs Blobby Ladybird Artifuct Ms. Whiplash Richard Linda Orlando FarCanal Blowjob Zebedee Florence Bomber PoshTart Cloggs Honeymonster Spot Julia

Frankly, if this lot had turned up in Salt Lake City they would have been arrested on the spot. Or shot. It’s not a macho thing for blokes to turn up dressed in ladies crimson attire and badly applied lipstick and expect to take part in a butch sport. However, there were many skiers – or rather, a lot of people who have been going downhill for years, and many who often skate on thin ice. We didn’t have a 2 man bob but we did have a 2Bob man, although it was difficult to discern under that flowing gown. There was a whole team of curlers made up of Mr. Blobby(gypsy black), Potty(marilyn blonde), Zebedee(multicoloured slapper), Uptake(auburn mist) and Baldrick(dog turd brown) all happily wearing their curls with pride. Mr. Blobby in particular with a lustrous cascade of raven locks overflowing his shoulder pads. So much so that I talked to him for a minute without realising who he was! Uptake, who is generally fairly masculine, appalled the senses by wearing a pink, calf-length number and lipstick to match. Not in my wildest nightmares have I viewed such an awful vision. Even Foghorn, in a Toyah Wilcox fright wig and polka dot crimplene seemed positively auntie-like beside. To the apparent horror of daughter Charlie, C5 minced about in a mauvish mid-length ensemble with chenille boa and wide-brimmed hat. He wouldn’t have looked out of place in ‘Lady Windermere’s Fan’. Motormouth and I made a fine son/father pair, he with a red, ‘flapper’ style dress fringed with black and a red cardi to keep out the cold. I’m afraid I wore an outfit that was so last year – Benetton mini-skirt with 80’s style bolero jacket rouched at the back, pink lipstick and irridescent blue nail varnish on just one hand. Well I didn’t want to look too effeminate did I? Lonely (who later received the ‘Tart of the Day’ award) had a fine, strappy party dress with matching red-striped socks and shoes…and a red dog lead. Perhaps the most surreal of all was CanOpener, standing quietly to one side wearing the biggest, floor-length kilt we have ever seen! I must add some details of the ladies; Linda, Julia and Artifuct had virtually matching satin mini dresses and joined Incider in wearing a variety of fishnets. Incider had obviously raided the local greengrocers for sprouts bags. Well done to all who made the effort especially our GM Ms. Whiplash who added a reddish scarf to her standard running kit (yes, there is irony here).

Uptake started the proceedings by ‘egging on’ a few people, myself included so my hair had added ‘white’ to the already titanium glow. Curiously enough, by the time we finished the thing had turned from scrambled to powdered. On Squirrel’s command we all minced off to find the trail, certain gentlemen of the Hash secretly thrilled by the swish of material on leg. Squirrel, incidentally, was highly miffed that Greenfly had not partaken of the day since he said the trail had been laid largely with him in mind. But as C5 and I pointed out, red is not his colour.

We followed the well-loved path down the big hill, frightening only a few motorists on the way. But they were obviously a bit shell-shocked since not one of ‘em gave us a toot! We then followed the well-loved field path back up and across the hill. It was very noticeable that Foghorn seemed to be keeping deliberately close to C5 as he lifted his dainty leg over each stile… A worrying trend. But not quite as worrying as Miranda who smilingly photographed me bits as I tried to retain maidenly dignity while stepping over another stile. Had the roles been swapped on the day, I doubt if I would be sitting here writing this – I’d be nursing a thick ear and a fat lip in my own little cell!

Motormouth and I found ourselves following Orlando who was wearing a curious mixture of football boots and red tights. I could put up with the dress, the hat and the boots but he was obviously having tights trouble since every five minutes he would lift up his dress and hitch them up. The sight was so nauseous several roosting woodcocks fell off their perches in a dead swoon and a passing rabbit felt it necessary to ralph a small pile of diced carrots into a nearby culvert. Luckily, we found ourselves up on a hill overlooking the river valley with the warming sun coming out. The beauty of the scene took our minds off the earlier horrors. But we didn’t see it for long as we followed Bomber and PoshTart into the woods where I fell to chatting with the appropriately named FallGuy. In fact it was more of a case of I chatted and he fell. Tripping on the outstretched leg of an unseen forest creature, he executed a triple lutz headfirst into deep shiggy – while I assisted by laughing my socks off. There followed a long old trot on well known paths through the forest, delighting several walkers on the way, until we hit an ‘SC’ sign that presumably meant Short Cut. Honeymonster, Baldrick and Spot kindly checked this out for us… and were never seen again. Most of the rest of us went over the hill. Eventually, we drifted past Jenks’ house, still with its curious mannequins in the garden (strange fellow Jenks) and hoofed it into the forest, where we all lost the trail. Zebedee finally found it somehow and we slogged our way over to a mid-forest ski slope, scrabbling up one steep, shale side ready to stem turn our way down the other. Motormouth and I joined Cloggs, Florence and Lonely for a stamp through the shiggy until we met Squirrel who was standing next to a sign that read ‘lama’ with an arrow pointing to a field full of llamas looking all haughty and flobbing at each other in their familiar Peruvian fashion. The ‘On Inn’ followed soon after and we trotted down the road with thoughts of booze/coke in our minds.

Lady Davina Motox presented the following :-

Quiz Night – Tomorrow, Monday 25^th February at The Lamb, Theale. See C5 for details.

Curry/Full Moon Run – Wednesday 27^th February (7:30 start I believe) at The Turners Arms, Mortimer West End (645644). See Mr. Blobby or Baldrick for full details.