C5 Dumper Septic Hashgate Ms. Whiplash Baldrick Honeymonster Potty Nutcracker Cerberus Premature Baldrick Foghorn Wally Glittertis Pissquick Shyeena Sue Motox BGB Spot CircuitBreaker GBH Mr. & Mrs. Blobby Gutbucket(a welcome return!) Dribbler Butterfly and Paddy the dog Michael Fiona Lonely and Beaver the dog Anne-Marie Cheating Centaur Greenfly the Tremblers Hamlet and Jake the dog Paul Spex SlipperyDick Zebedee Florence

10:50 Mortimer, England – Acting on a tip-off, Agent Scully and I were attending a meeting of a little-known group known only by the codename of BH³. Their arcane rituals were reported to occur on Sunday mornings, usually deep in a forest. The tip-off indicated that this morning the group would be searching for eggs of some kind, allegedly alien. Each of the group, apart from some apparent newcomers (known only by forename of Michael, Fiona and Paul) had their own distinct cognomen as listed above, presumably to make identification more difficult. We can only asume the newcomers had not been initiated as yet. There was a certain wariness about them whereas the rest seemed almost manically cheerful while standing in the rain. Two of the gathering, C5 and Dumper, held bags containing a white substance. We found later that they used this to draw mystic symbols along the woodland paths where the faster members of this curious sect would shout "False trail" in a frenzied, almost religious denunciation.

11:00 The Turner’s Arms - BH³ ran, or walked, out into the lane barely able to contain the excitement. Agent Scully and I split up, the better to perceive the happenings. I watched her cute butt bounce away. My, she has neat buns! I followed Hashgate and BGB who seemed to have no idea where they were going. This was true of the rest of them and indeed Premature, Centaur and Cerberus went one way while we looped right back to the start point to find Dumper laying a strange arrow. Hashgate, BGB and Trembler ran way along the road only to be called back. The sect all approached a white circle from different directions, then ran off in opposite directions. Some, like Spot and Trembler, into the wood only to return. I shadowed Hashgate who turned at a cry of what sounded like "On, on" and sped off after C5. He led us to the first of many boggy areas, festering, muddy pits and fetid streams through which the acolytes were expected to wade. Presumably some strange purification ritual before and after the finding of the eggs. Many of the group were loth to step into the quagmires, no doubt for fear of some lurking monster. However, Motox, BGB and Florence all sustained serious ankle coverage at various points largely due to timid leaping rather than voluntary inundation. Mr. Blobby had in mind a full baptism of Mrs. Blobby in one such stream and stood on one leg, arms outstretched and thigh-deep in the swirling, murky water, urging his wife to take the plunge. She evidently was not ready for the ceremony and ignored him by jumping lightly across a little further down.

11:36 Somewhere in the forest – Agent Scully and I met up to compare notes. Her heaving chest showed she was very out of breath. I was breathing hard too. She informed me that the group was also known as ‘The Hash’ and although no drug-taking had taken place in our immediate vicinity it seemed obvious from the crazed demeanour of our companions that some form of substance abuse was taking place. As an example of this I would cite a frenzied rush through the forest in pursuit of a yellow-caped creature. It is my belief that ‘The Hash’ thought this to be alien in origin with a clear knowledge of where the eggs should be. However, they were soon disappointed when the ‘alien’ was found to be Cheating, who was merely pretending he knew where he was going. It wasn’t long though before a circle with an ‘E’ in it was found and the trend for all these so-called ‘checks’ started. Greenfly, Zebedee, Spot, Potty, Dribbler all found these curious eggs and secreted them about their persons – possibly with a view to hatching. It was rumoured that a number of eggs had been consumed hastily by the more extreme members of ‘The Hash’. Perhaps they felt that by devouring the eggs they would obtain the essence of the creatures therein. Luckily neither Agent Scully nor I witnessed this bizarre event – nor were we able to locate an egg.

12:00 Somewhere else in the forest – Some of the band had split off to perform ‘The Long Trail’ as it was known. We did not know if this was a further ritual form of torture designed to purify the mind. The poor fools on this endless voyage mumbled "One blob and you’re on" over and over. Lonely, Foghorn, Zebedee and Hashgate splashed their way along open trails, finding circles of powder with no ‘E’ inside. Even C5 admitted he had no idea where the trail went. It was truly a voyage of discovery.

12:20 Lost in the forest – Agent Scully had taken her smooth and mud-splashed legs off with the main group while I followed Greenfly and Hashgate who, for some reason, split off in the opposite direction. As the desperate cries of the others disappeared into the forest so did Greenfly, leaving me to follow Hashgate. He was carrying a small black communication device and spoke into it at intervals. I managed to overhear snatches of conversation. "Where the hell…" "Buggers all gone…" "No sodding flour…" It made little sense to this agent. It became even more vehement following his meeting with a slow-speaking bucolic in a check shirt who harangued him for some time about ‘private land’. What secrets would this man have to hide? I thought, as Hashgate trotted off furtively into the bushes, following in the footsteps of Foghorn, Gutbucket and Flash.

12:30 Found in the forest – As I hastened after Hashgate I tripped over Agent Scully, bending to tie an errant shoelace. I must have semi-blacked out as I hit the floor. I have a recollection of Agent Scully’s big blue eyes suddenly very close above me. There was heavy breath in my ear. The air was crushed out of me and the earth began to move. There were bright lights and…and…I blacked-out again. When I came to Agent Scully was cradling my head against her. "Are you ok big boy? Er, Mulder?" She breathed. I felt exhausted. "Did we have an extra-terrestrial experience?" I asked. "Perhaps." She replied softly. "The truth is out there…"

Many thanks to Dumper and C5 for a well-executed, dirty trail causing much confusion.

RA Motox presented the following :-