Assorted Guys and Dolls

Effin Spot Hashgate Baldrick Honeymonster Foghorn Lemming Mother Theresa Miranda TinOpener and Emma the dog Lonely and Beaver the dog Hamlet and Jake the dog GBH BGB The Tremblers Gillian Bomber Posh C5 Muff John Cheating Jude ShutupWally Motox Cerberus KnackerCatcher Iceman Caboose Shep and dog Gnarler Itsyor Paella Florence

A Thoroughly Enjoyable Trot

This being a major firework weekend where we had been asked to dress as ‘Guys’ I had expected to see Hashers rocket into the car park or On Out like a flash! In the event quite a number of damp squibs and old bangers arrived, none of ‘em wearing the requested kit. The Hares kindly let them off. Only ShutupWally appeared wearing an awful mask, although many people were hard pushed to notice. Miffed at the reception, he whipped it off and several ladies of delicate constitution reached for the smelling salts. Bomber passed round a newspaper (I use the term loosely) cutting about some silly bimbette headlined with ‘C5 Babe’s Undies Flash Secret’. The upright C5 was so appalled at this stain on his snow-white reputation that he snatched the lurid cutting, complete with salacious picture, and folded it carefully into his pocket, no doubt to letch over dispose of later.

After the solid rain of the night before we were all rather surprised by the brilliant sunshine and warm weather and duly bounced lightly from the car park with Baldrick kindly leading us all miles to the first false trail with no apparent ‘F’. I say the first since there seemed to be a number of these dotted about on the trail. Either our collective eyesight is failing or the buggers were well hidden or rained out from the day before. Iceman and BGB had an even worse experience than us since they elected to start off in the opposite way to everyone else and, having found an ‘F’ up one arm of a branch in the road, decided to follow absolutely no flour at all up the other. This led them round a mighty long loop to rejoin the Hash with Iceman thanking his lucky stars that he had decided to accompany ‘Trailblazer’ BGB. We managed to find the first check only fifteen minutes into Dinton Pastures which we felt was a major achievement. The trail had been craftily laid with blobs far apart and this slowed the FRBs who seemed generally lost. I caught up with Florence who had left Zebedee at home researching a Bash while sitting gingerly on a rubber ring. Apparently, he has a pain in the butt. Florence assured me it was nothing to do with her. Perhaps the good Zeb has recently visited Ms. Whiplash for a ‘consultation’. I can see the headlines now – Bank Beast In Bawdy Bedroom Beatings - Said disgraced official Mr Z. “I was visiting the lady to give her the bank loan in cash. I just tripped over into the handcuffs while reaching for a cream horn with my tea. Then my trousers fell down accidentally.” When pressed why flail marks had been found on his backside Mr Z. shrugged, saying only, “Beats me.”

KnackerCatcher and I pressed on through damp but pleasant woodland path and came to a fine wooden bridge over a gently flowing stream (the Kennet, I believe). Looks rather nice, we agreed. Over we go. A short stamp across the rough hewn boards and we were on the other side, grinning at the flour arrow pointing right. You know what it’s like when a film freeze-frames the action? Well that was KnackerCatcher and me. Leg upraised, arm back, a keen eye anticipating the forward rush. But ‘twas not to be. “On back!!!” Screamed the crazed Glittertits, appalled that we were just about to cut off a delightfully scenic loop below the flyover amongst the graffitti and litter. “Get back! Back you Bas****s!!” he ejaculated with a fevered gush. Erm. Perhaps I’d better rephrase that… or not. Either way the blanket, rattle and woolly toy were well out of the pram and KnackerCatcher and I slunk back past him, all apologetic-like. We caught up with Cerberus who was running without Premature today. He had gone off early to race in Marlow. Silly sod. We looped back into a piece of Woodley, spotting Lemming, GBH and Lonely(!) who had defied the apoplectic Glittertits and nipped over the bridge – perhaps a bar-check might have stopped them? We spent an entertaining twenty minutes or so in the suburban tarmac jungle, desperately seeking flour. C5, Motox, Caboose, Itsyor and others took some time about finding the trail which finally wended its way back to the point at which we had left some blasted heath earlier with SlipperyNipple and PissQuick pointing the way before we went round the loop yet again. We hurtled across a road on to a wider blasted heath where Spot, Iceman, KnackerCatcher and I all decided to run in the opposite direction to the trail. One has to wonder why. We took ages to catch up again and then Knacker and I were attacked by the Miranda’s hound from hell, Emma. Or perhaps she just wanted to play. Through the first of the flooded meadows we stamped, catching Effin (“Keep calling cos I can’t keep up”); then Foghorn, Bomber, Lemming et al as we flew past the Museum of Berkshire Aviation and on towards the second Long/Short trail split of the day. Glittertits had told me earlier that the full length of the trail was 10.2 miles. I can well believe it!

A group of us began the long run round the lake. We’d all expected it, of course, and weren’t to be disappointed. It was a fine cruise along the paths in a stiff breeze. Geese honking overhead. Wavelets slapping on the bank. Exhausted Hashers throwing up in the bushes. Marvellous. We caught and passed a Trembler. Staggered on for a couple of miles, scattering old dears and young children alike until we finally came to a small bridge where Shep and Gnarler rested, ensuring all and sundry went through the river. Need he have bothered? Not on your nelly! Honeymonster and I were in like a flash to gasps from disbelieving families crossing the bridge. It was then but a short, soggy, trot behind Mother Theresa to the pub.

Nicely done, Hares. The trail confused the FRBs and kept the pack mainly together. Except where we all got lost, that is. But that was half the fun. Obviously a lot of work went into this one. A job well done.
On On. Hashgate.

Down Downs

RA Motox presented the following :-

Up and Coming