Feisty Felines

Miranda Tin Opener Cunninglingus Honeymonster C5 Dumper Septic Max Angie Greenfly Baldrick Motox Lonely Trembler BGB Two Bob Puddleduck Chopsticks Spot Hitchhiker and, from R2D2, Shandyman Straddlevarious Pearl ‘n’ Dean Flap Licker

Late Luvvies

Miss Whiplash Flash Incider Brian

Diary of a Rampant Cat

There I was, finishing off the red mullet that one of last night’s punters had left when I was rudely disturbed by all these humans who parked their cars opposite the pub, my home. I’d just finished being rampant with an impertinent female moggy who happened upon my territory and was hoping to polish off the grub and then have a nice morning snooze when they invaded me. And a right motley crew they looked, too.

So I thought I might as well earwig what they were up to, since I’d been rudely interrupted, and I have to say that it turned out to be one of the most bizarre mornings of my life!

They all emerged from their dry cars to stand around in the pouring rain – I wouldn’t have put that hairy old dog from next door who keeps trying to savage me out in it – and then had to listen while the one they called C5 talked one load of rubbish at them followed by another lot of incomprehensible instructions by Dwight. Anyway, they eventually all set off running!! (except for the ones called Dribbler, Butterfly and Miranda who walked sedately. I later gathered that they have some sort of medical problem that prevents them from breaking into a trot so they have to be very careful). I thought that I must see what they were going to do next, such was the strangeness of their actions.

So off I trotted after them, to witness an hour and a quarter of madness. First they ran into the woods, with the trees dripping water all over them (quite apart from the rain that was still coming down in buckets anyway) and they seemed to run through them in ever decreasing circles until they eventually emerged onto a small road that they bounded along. Quite why they should do that when there was perfectly good grass to run on I can’t imagine – perhaps they didn’t want to get their shoes any wetter, although if that were the case they were doomed to failure, as they all found out later. (Hang on a minute, I’ve got to scratch – damn fleas, I must have got them from the one they called Motox).

Where was I? Oh yes, at the end of the road, about to go up a steep path to run along the side of the A34. Then down again about 500metres further on. Why do these stupid humans go up if all they’re going to do is come down again? Then it was off into more

woods. Some of them ran in one direction for ages and came across some white lines on the ground at which they stopped. They stared at them and walked round them, obviously mystified. It was only when Motox arrived and declared that it was a Bar 4 that they ran all the way back again. Why? And what’s a Bar for? I thought it was where you went for a drink, like in my pub back at Woolton Hill. (Why I ever left the warmth back there to follow this crazy lot is beyond me).

Then they ran along in another direction, following the pair called Dumper and Septic, only to turn round again when they realised there hadn’t been any white blobs on the floor for ages. So they had to run all the way back again – strange behaviour!

The strangest of all was further on when they had to cross a large stream. Greenfly tried to cross on a tree that had fallen across it only to fall off and go waist deep into the water. Others just waded in and got soaked. Why, when there was a perfectly good bridge a bit further up?

Eventually, we arrived back at my pub and just when I thought I was going to be rid of them, they all came in for a drink and then back out again for some strange ritual. I hope they don’t come back again – who knows what they’ll do next time. They certainly won’t give me any peace and quiet, that’s for sure!

Down Downs

The eccentric old gentleman called Motox got some beer out of his car and made the following humans drink a pint down in one go (this merely confirmed my impressions that they were all mad):

Name	Reason	Performance
Max and Angie	Driving to the pub from their home about 200 yards away	Beaten by a woman!!
Miss Whiplash	Getting lost on the way	Leaning forward, mouth open
Straddlevarious	SCB	Not bad for a visitor
C5	Not being able to decipher an unintelligible sign (until Motox solved the problem)	Excellent – probably the finest down down ever seen
Pearl ‘n’ Dean	Not ensuring his young son, Hamish, was washed and presentable	Smooth and fluent, like Motox at Grab a Granny night
Cunninglingus	Calling ‘On On’ the wrong way. So what’s new? (Him calling at all is the answer to that riddle)	Nearly as excellent as C5
Spot and Hitchhiker	Changing together	Their togetherness rewarded with drinking from the same pint with straws
Dwight and Centaur	Haring an excellent trail	Like the trail – wet and slippery

Receding Hareline

Run Number

Date

Grid Reference

Venue

Hares

1307

08/12/02

594577

The White Hart, Charter Alley. Joint with North Hants

Hamlet

Jolly Green Giant

1308

15/12/02

752587

Ashampstead Common

On To Yattendon Village Hall for the Xmas lunch

Dumper