Muddy But Unbowed

Spex Puddleduck 2Bob C5 HitchHiker Potty Uptake Cerberus KnackerCatcher Premature and dog Molly Hashgate Lonely and dog Beaver Judith SlipperyNipple Iceman ShutupWally Potty Nutcracker Flash The Tremblers Motox Ms. Whiplash Salome Septic Dumper Lemming Mother Theresa Spot Chopstix GBH KevinCheating Itsyor Cuddles SexSlave Chopstix GBH Florence Zebedee SlowSucker …and a mass of N. Hants Hashers, too many to mention

Beaver Country

There was an excited glint in Lonely’s dog Beaver’s eye as he jumped nimbly from the car. It had been raining, bucketing and hosing down for a good twenty four hours or so and he had viewed the soaked countryside with interest on the journey here. The well-named creature was looking forward to some serious shiggy and he certainly wasn’t to be disappointed. But before we On Outed with our N. Hants friends there was more than a little horseplay in the car park with Lemming, Foghorn and C5 well covered in shaving foam. SlipperyNipple gave us a stunning exhibition of ducking and weaving at speed as the pursuing Foghorn only just managed to whip her cap off with (almost) his last gasp. The cad filled it with foam and jammed it on her head later when she wasn’t looking, the swine. Even Puddleduck had his cool, spiky haircut almost spoiled with a squirt of silly string from Mother Theresa.

Cloggs and Chardonnay, our Hares for the day, gave us an indication of what was to come by appearing like two bodies that had been floating in a Thames backwater for a week (attractive ones, of course). At the Gather Round, Cloggs kindly explained that the trail was laid in a mixture of N. Hants and BH³ styles. So it might be three or four blobs and On and what we think of as a bar check was a false. She forgot to mention the blob in a circle meaning one blob and On. But did say they had laid some snow on the trees, along with chocolates and three stars, which would get a prize if brought back. Heads were scratched. Eyebrows raised in query. What the hell; we knew the On Out and headed for the filthy forest.

Beaver started the ball rolling by submerging nose-deep into a disgusting vat of liquid slurry, closely followed by the slipping over Puddleduck who caused his own downfall by trying to splash people too vigorously. Although there was some initial uncertainty we soon slopped off into the undergrowth and realised we were on the right trail when we came across Cloggs who was up to her chest in her own private lake. I believe Lemming may have helped her in, the rotter. He certainly had some luck today for when C5 tried to dump him he (C5) ended up face-first in a bramble which resulted in him looking like he’d just come off the set of ‘Nightmare on Elm Street 17’. I felt rather sorry for Goalkeeper who was right behind me as a bent-over sapling sprang back, smacking him in the goolies with an audible ‘thwack’! The fellow took it well, hardly a gasp, and carried on with crossed eyes and a stilted running style. The trail wound confusingly about the trees and (very) rough land, more often than not leading us through calf-deep, stinking water. JollyGreenGiant almost came a cropper in a lagoon when a spiky tendril lovingly grasped his ankle. It was just as well he stayed upright or there would have been no water left in the surrounding area – he’s a big lad. SlowSucker, Premature and KnackerCatcher were leading the pack with occasional forays by (amazingly) Cheating and we soon came to a damp knoll for the first regroup and lots of choccies. While chatting there we spied an old chap running across the shiggy. It turned out that this friendly bog trotter knew Hamish and had got himself lost from the mud run race he was supposed to be in. Premature couldn’t hold back any longer and shot off, only to be called back by Cloggs and pointed in another direction to the ‘one blob and On’ part of the trail. This had some truly glutinous mud that threatened to suck off your plimsoll as soon as your foot sank into it. Uptake, Lemming and Foghorn took full advantage of the terrain by covering just about everybody in a mixture of foul-smelling mud and water. But this was nothing to the ‘path’ we suddenly came upon. It was thigh deep water even for the tallest and was damn cold. All sorts of body parts shrivelled and wrinkled as we waded (it was almost impossible to run) through. Sadly, Premature and KnackerCatcher reached the end first and delighted in lobbing gobbets of mud at and showering with freezing water the poor sods following. Once out of it Florence and Baldrick heartily agreed that they could not feel their feet and weren’t sure they were still in their running shoes. Another regroup appeared and Motox did a very good impression of a forlorn moose lost in the forest. This was his way of calling the back markers On. Whatever it was, all other signs and sounds of wildlife disappeared. Foghorn and Uptake (ably assisted by Lemming) quite rightly picked up Zebedee and placed him gently in a large puddle. The fellow had had the effrontery to do some calf-stretching in front of everybody. Hamstring problem or no, matey, this sort of behaviour is severely frowned on by the Hash.

On we went and Zeb and I got very lucky at the next check by picking the narrow, pretty route through close-growing trees. Cloggs and Chardonnay had outdone themselves by dangling chocolates from almost every tree and drizzling them with flour like snow. We even stopped awhile to enjoy the seasonal scene. But of course our luck couldn’t hold and Iceman, Zeb and I were caught by the bar-check on the track back towards the pub. Too eager to finish, you see. Served us right. We all had to dive back into the forest and squelch our exhausted way through some very slippery mud and biscuits to the corner where we had been headed when caught by the bar. A final dunk into Beaver’s earlier swimming hole saw us back on the road and heading to the mince pies and mulled wine, both of which were delicious. Thanks to the suppliers for that. It was very welcome. Foghorn was particularly impressed with the cream which was 8% alcohol. On On. Hashgate.

Down Down Down Down Down Down … Downs

RA Motox presented the never-ending Down Downs, assisted by FairySnow :-

C5

Up and Coming

The Rising Sun
Burghfield Common