Horny Hashers

SlackBladder Hashgate Iceman Paula Sue Cerberus Premature KnackerCatcher Mother Theresa Lemming SlipperyN*pple Vlad Drac Margaret with dog pebbles Dave Tim and dog Bandit Simple Dutch Krystyna the Tremblers Claire OldF*rt Quack Dumper Septic Itsyor Ms Whiplash SlowSucker ShutupWally and dog Bonnie Steamer Lonely Bootsie Bl*wJob Motox Yankit WetConnection Cheating Florence NonStick Cloggs PoisonIvy

Soho!

Every now and then, since he has more time on his hands than Methuselah, C5 emails through some funny stuff and recently one of them encouraged me to learn Chinese in five minutes. The method is to read the phonetic Chinese out loud. Here are the three best examples, first the English then the Chinese. Enjoy :-

A small horse Tai ni po ni
I bumped into a coffee table Ai bang ma fu kin ni
Did you go to the beach? Wai yu so tan?

The Horns at Crazies Hill is one of those pubs I’ve always been meaning to go to but have never quite managed. Run past it a lot in the past as it’s on the Wargrave 10k route but never been in. The serene country setting was disturbed by a whole convoy of Hashers’ cars as they struggled to fit into the overflow car park and tried to bang into each other (OldF*rt!). Donut bounced around the place like a spring lamb in a warm hat, handing out menus for food orders, even though she had spent six hours the day before with Spot and BlouseBlazer traipsing round the countryside laying the trail and occasionally getting lost. In true April style it had rained overnight which had reduced a number of the Checks and flour blobs to merely blurred sprinklings. No doubt this was to BlouseBlazer’s approval since his approach to trail laying is of the minimalist school. Mind you, Spot balances this out with a draughtsman’s eye for a perfect circle and Donut… well, the flour-free Donut always looks well scrubbed (don’t go there!) so I assume she took a supervisory role. Quite right too. One can imagine the loose-tongued dog-like eagerness of the other two as they whimpered and pawed, waiting for her commands. “Good boy Spot. Are you ready? I want a long False over there. Wait… Waaaaait… Off you go!” And he shoots off into the undergrowth. BlouseBlazer starts to wander and is immediately stopped with a “Heel boy!” Before being sent out - “Away, away! Come by!” etc. It must have been fascinating to watch. I understand Donut gave them a treat each after they finished…

Nice to see new girls PoisonIvy, Sue and Paula today and particularly good to have SlipperyN*pple back. Haven’t seen her for ages. Also KnackerCatcher, who was driven by Cerberus and Premature. He’s obviously getting on a bit now but still manages a fair turn of speed, albeit in short bursts. Yankit and WetConnection put in a welcome appearance too. Missing today were Spex and LoudonTasteless, one of whom was running the Reading ½ Marathon while the other supported by reading the papers in The Hook and Tackle. Glittert*ts and DunnyStumbler were also speeding round. I do hope it all went well for all our Hashers on the race. Did you break two hours Spex?

Ooer. Nearly finished the page and no mention of the Hash. Let’s get on with it. The trail wound and twisted confusingly which reversed the Pack expertly a number of times and caused the FRBs no end of problems at Checks with multiple options and Bars even though Premature trotted blithely through the first one right in front of the Hares. OldFart, Iceman and I had lucked out on the first part of the trail though our luck petered out at the first major Check where I made the most of the opportunity to meet, find out the name of and welcome one of our virgins. Why Lemming should see this as a blatant attempt to chat up new girl PoisonIvy (aka Jo) I really don’t know. Apparently, he will be getting himself a recording machine soon as he believes it’s used to effect introductions to attractive women Hashers. a) of course it isn’t. b) It wouldn’t do him any good anyway. Not that women seemed to be the main thing on Lemming’s mind today. Half way through the Hash I caught him dallying pensively by a stile that led to a field full of resting sheep. He didn’t dally for long. In a flash he was over the stile, lowering his strides and making for the nearest plump ewe. It was a terrible sight to behold and I didn’t stay around to watch.

Simple, meanwhile, was providing us with vocal amusement. Every utterance was a gravel-laden mixture of Satchmo and Lee Marvin. His vocal chords were slacker than Spex’s knicker elastic after the 12^th mile. Quite why, he didn’t know and told me he was, “all right from the chin up and the chest down.” Could have fooled me.

Eventually, we all reached the top of that hill in the forest where we usually go when we are Hashing from The Dewdrop or The Seven Stars. And very nice it was too. Though we didn’t have a clue where to go we enjoyed being surrounded by the thick, sunlit layer of light yellow leaves and the almost budding trees. Somehow Ms Whiplash had got there first so we congratulated her on her efforts before going to find all the Falses. Vlad, Itsyor and SlowSucker enjoying a fine long cruise down the hill before returning. Of course, if they had kept going they would have hit the trail which angled across from another downhill path where a number of people had enjoyed running back uphill from a jocular Bar Check. It was fortunate that Spot appeared shortly after we reached the foot of the forest hill since Premature had found flour off to the left and fairly ripped along the track shouting “On On!” like a banshee. Sadly for him it wasn’t the trail and he got called back by Spot to head across the field for a Regroup. Here Lonely and Bootsie were quite rightly admonished for attempting rampant, snorting, leg-thrashing s*x while SlipperyN*pple was telling me she owns a ten-gallon hat that is just a bit too big for her. Surreal or what?

A long, long trail went a-winding from here and we enjoyed the sight of Cerberus tripping over a large log, three fine golden retrievers making fools out of us as we laboured up a steep, grassy hill and hearing about poor NonStick who had the misfortune to arrive late and follow Cheating. We never saw either of them until it was all over. Mind you, it was Cloggs who told me this and she managed to detach herself from the Pack and get back ½ an hour after everyone else! Cerberus displayed some interesting ‘blonde’ characteristics by leading Iceman, OldF*rt and myself off trail because she thought she knew where she was going, then when we rejoined the Pack, she lambasted KnackerCatcher for not following flour! Contrary or what? However, by far the most amusing incident in this area was the sight of Iceman directly in front of me catching a tree root and plunging earthwards like a charging water buffalo hit with both barrels of a trusty 12-bore. Except he managed to heave himself back up, wheezing bellows-like and checking to see if he had cracked his ribs again. On the Baldrick scale it was a 7 out of 10 with extra points for style.

After a reasonably fast cruise downhill with SlowSucker – and I have to give him credit for turning up today after spending a full two weeks with his wife in South Africa and arriving back home at 9 o’clock this morning – we met Dumper in the car park with his trousers off. Presumably he was celebrating getting back first. Thanks Hares, a thoroughly enjoyable Hash.

On On. Hashgate.

Down Downs

RA Simple presented the following :-

So fast he almost swallowed the glass too!

Up and Coming

Hash Walk

April 23rd at 11:00 starting at Ascot High Street free car park gridref SU925687. Approximately 7 miles with a lunch stop at 5 miles. Motox has full details.