Hornswogglers

Mother Theresa Lemming Donut Hashgate Whinge Dee Shitfor Glittertits Pissquick Poca + 1 Ewok SixInches Snotty Barney Oscar Iceman Motox Ms Whiplash Spot Bomber Posh OldFart Cerberus Carolyn Messenger Boy CrustyToasty Janet (renamed Carloss) and dog Teddy PennyPitstop Becs Booby NappyRash HP Twanky Blowjob Matt Roz

The Bun Run

Let us first applaud the efforts of three of our number (backed up ably and efficiently by helpers who collected buckets of money) in the Reading Half marathon last week. Shitfor, Desperate and NappyRash raised approximately £2,000 for the Royal Berks. Robbie the robot charity. It was both hard work and a pleasure, particularly for NappyRash who very much enjoyed the opportunity to wear a nurse’s uniform and a wig in public for a change. If you are interested in the charity then check out this link: http://www.royalberkshire.nhs.uk/support_us/robbie_the_robot_appeal/donate.aspx Well done to all who took part.

The clock ticked round to 11:03 and no-one strode forward from the massed ranks of Hashers, ne’er-do-wells and general hangers-on to call the Hash to order. Since our GM and RA were not present It needed someone with impeccable manners, a commanding presence and great hair to step into the breach. I strode forward. We had quite a number of virgins today and it took a long time to get through all the group hellos. Finally, I called upon RandyMandy as chief Hare to introduce the day’s event. She crept shyly into the Circle.”I’m not used to speaking…” she began. A great guffaw roared forth from the crowd. She has, as Shitfor put it so succinctly, “More bunny than Desperate.” For which he received a resounding and thoroughly deserved slap from his commitment partner. RandyMandy’s assertion that the Trail was ‘quit flat’ confirmed her as winner of the ‘Equivocator of the Week’award. Those of us who know this area well On Outed with care. Wise move really, since the 7-8 miles of the Trail went up and down more than Paganini’s elbow during a cocaine-fuelled rendition of Caprice No. 24.

The ‘gentlemen’ of the Hash were particularly looking forward to one of the treats that had been mentioned by our Hares. Apparently, a ‘bunny’ would appear somewhere along the Trail and one could tell that the glassier-eyed were desperately fantasizing that this would be of the Playboy style. Fat chance in the squidgy forests we were to run through but it gave them something to hope for.

Unfortunately, the only flesh we got to see today was Spot’s. He was avidly regaling any and every innocent Hasher with the story of how he ran into some barbed wire last week and ended up hanging over some strands in a semi-horizontal Christ-like pose. He should have left it to this Sunday which would have been more apposite. After droning his way through every infinitismal detail of his experience (and to the horror of the watcher) Spot would disingenuously peel down the front of his running trousers to reveal what, at first view, appeared to be a pair of pipe cleaners that had been sneezed on by someone with a bad cold. On closer inspection (not that many of us did) it was found that the pair were actually legs with a line of yellow bruises across each. Some people backed away in horror. Others gulped out a breathless, “Um. Yes. Well.” And backing away, white-faced. Fortunately, the scarring is only psychological and given the parlous mental state of most Hash devotees the effect should be minimal.

Our run (I use the word specifically) took us through fields and forests and largely uphill. And then a bit more uphill. All the way uphill to the Regroup in a spot well known to the Hash as a place from which one can only descend. It was also where we found the bunny! Rather disappointingly for the previously mentioned glassy-eyed gents the bunny was merely the outline of a rotund rabbit crafted in flour. There was, however, something for the gegs when Randy Mandy advised us that, having seen the bunny, we should emulate bunny motion by bouncing up and down. “Like this.” She said innocently and proceeded to do that very thing. She stopped. “I missed that.” Said Lemming. “Would you mind showing us again?” She very kindly did so and we all agreed that the bouncing was indeed very bunny-like. In fact, the likeness to a short-haired, burrowing, bouncing mammal was amazingly realistic and might we see it again please? Mandy politely declined and we restarted with a sigh.

The obvious downhill track – the one in the direction of the pub, for those of us who knew – turned out to be a False and we had to return and head down the steep path away from the pub. Of course, having swirled our pebbly way down and down we then had to dog-leg right back up to return to the False-marked track before helter-skelter running all the way to the bottom of it. We were going downhill fast. In more ways than one since those of us who did not go straight across the field at the foot of this track (Nappyrash!) turned right (away from the pub again and in the direction of the A4) and skittered down yet another hill. Once at the foot of it there was only one way to go. Up. Followed by a small bit of down. A bit of across. And a nice warm-down walk back to the pub and a well-earned pint.

We were missing a few Hashers for quite some time. We were well into our second pint by the time Motox, Fannybag and Twanky finally dragged their exhausted carcasses back to the pub. They were met by a hearty round of well-deserved applause.

A tiring but exceptionally enjoyable Trail by our Hares. Many thanks and Happy Easter!

On On. Hashgate.

Down Downs

All a bit embarrassing this. Somehow I managed to speak details of the Down Downs into my Blackberry while the recorder was switched off, then switching it on for the even more embarrassing and off-key singing. So the below are the ones I remember. No doubt you will advise me next week 

RA Shitfor presented the following :-

Well deserved

Up and Coming